My Worst Nightmare

Trying to run away from a giant spider with flippers on.

Spiders.

Today I am telling you a tale of my oldest enemy, the arachnid. They’re like tiny Orcs. It finalizes my suspicion that if I were a Gryffindor, I’d be the ‘Ron Weasley’ brand. I suppose it’s not a paralyzing phobia or anything, it’s a pretty average fear, but when disposing of them I get a little… Creative.

I’ve killed them with $300 cowboy boots, fancy umbrellas, actual swords, strange acrobatics that I can only accomplish when a spider is near, and so on.

Anyways,

I was playing with one of my old LARP swords in my room.

WHEN SUDDENLY

I spent about five minutes staring at it from atop my coffee table, deciding whether or not to make a run for it and call one of my guy friends.

Spiders make a horrible squelching noise that can turn my stomach into a jellyfish. There is no onomatopoeia for that sound.

Another few minutes go by.

I don’t know if it’s going to work, but I wouldn’t come into my room if I were a spider.

bwah

A little something until my larger post.

Rules For Roommates- Rule #1 - Involving Feet

SO. It’s been a while. I’d say that a two-month gap is unusual for me and my projects, but I would be lying and denying my flaky-artist nature. Of course, it’s usually not that bad.This is going to be a new little segment that I do from time to time. Rules For Roommates, because I have seen some things.

So this particular rule became necessary on a trip to Disneyworld. That is my happy place, and let me tell you… Nothing was going to get to me. I was wearing my princess outfit, (the Betsey Johnson dress that a fantastical gay man found for me in California), that made my hair look like it was not a retarded fireball made of straw, my favorite red flats… I was full of invincible-happy.

Of course, it was 7am and there were four people in my 2008 VW Bug (a car that can technically fit four people, but is DEFINITELY not meant for four people) so by the time the two and-a-half hour drive was halfway through, I was making this face until I had an energy drink/was on the Snow Whit ride eating cotton candy:

So, this face. I think we can agree that this is a no-shenanigans face, yes? Good.

BUT THEN!

One of my dear friends PINCHED ME WITH HIS FEET, WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

I don’t get furious often. It’s almost difficult to annoy me, unless you invade my personal space. Then I go to a black place in my mind that only Disneyworld can pull me out of in any reasonable amount of time. Sometimes I say cruel things.

Fortunately for the rest of my party, Disneyworld was only one hour of bubbling-with-rage induced silence away.

But until I live in Disneyworld (IN IT. IN THE CASTLE.) I will have to say that Rules For Roommates’ first rule is this:

Do NOT pinch, poke or rub your feet on your roommate without clear verbal permission. ESPECIALLY NOT WHILE SAID ROOMMATE IS DRIVING. (We almost died.)

*My friend’s feet are not actually gross as pictured, but feet look 10,000 times more yucky when they’re unexpectedly ON YOU.

Keep Sparkling.

Team Jacob: The Movie.

I wanted to share with you a horror story, that is particularly terrifying because it’s true.

Let me start by saying this:

This is me. More or less. I wear a red hood when I go out because it makes me feel like skipping through a singing forest with a picnic basket full of bunnies while eating a nutella & strawberry sandwich. I love the story of Little Red Riding Hood, also.

SO that’s that. Now, about this: a while ago I actually sat down to watch some TV, which I almost never do. I spend most of my time drawing in my room, slowly getting my skin to the shade of some ghostly deep-sea fish. While I was watching, this popped up:

The director of Twilight is making a Red Riding Hood movie. That right there sent about eight red flags up in my head, but I barely even had time to stay my panic and give it the benefit of the doubt before it crushed my dreams forever.

This movie is going to be terrible.

It is going to be the lumpy mutant baby of Twilight and ‘The Village’ (without the cool blind girl).

But that wasn’t my real problem. I thought about the Twilight mania, and a horrible vision of a gothtard-filled future presented itself to me:

I could see my precious Little Red Riding Hood being peed on by Hot Topic and Twilight.

Then I thought that maybe Little Red would escape the tard fandom. However miss Hardwicke tries, she can’t turn Red into Bella… Right?

My next realization was like a giant dog rolling in dead fish and poop and then rolling onto my hopes.

Hopefully I’ll survive. Either way, I’ll be wearing this red hood like the stubborn turd I am. It may become hard to tell me apart in a crowd after this movie comes out, but I might be the only one wearing actual other colors.

So at least there’s that.

-M-

To-Do List

An excerpt, not from my sketchbook, but from the giant pad of paper that I make to-do lists with. I took a year off of college, and I'm going back in the fall. I was trying to figure out what a day will be like for me there.

I don't know why I think myself into despair so easily.

Going Home

I spent a majority of my third visit to Montana going to therapy. I go to therapy in Montana sometimes because my Dad lives there, and he likes therapy. Yay therapy.

(lol the truth is: I like therapy a lot. It's incredibly helpful.)

Anywaaaays. My flight back was canceled, so I spent an extra night in Montana. The next day, two flights later with one flight to go, the plane was late and I was stranded in Atlanta for a night. I pretty much hated my life by that point.

By day 3 of my delay, NOTHING COULD STOP ME.

NOTHING AT ALL.

I'd never had Nutella on a spoon before.

I hadn't even thought of actually eating it with a spoon. I love Nutella. I ate it all the time on toast when I was a kid. Delicious + nostalgic = I will get fat from it.

NUTELLA

I AM THE NUTELLA CHAMPION

Sometimes

I have a friend who is pretty intense. We all love her. I can only imagine what life is like for her boyfriend, Tyson.

Surprise Staircase

This was during my first trip to my Dad and Sister's new Montana home.

I'm walking around the huge foreign house and I've got to get from my sister's room to the rest of everywhere somehow in this labyrinth modeled after 'The Shining', so I take this hallway.

It's not a hallway.

I had torn a ligament. I'd need to stay off of my feet for two weeks at least.

Halloween Horror Nights was that weekend.

Magnolia Fest was the weekend after that.

Of course, that didn't stop me. I live for that stuff. I limped around desperately at both events.

A friend started calling me 'Hobbles.'

Snakey

I love the Malfoys. Love them. Lucius especially. I have no explanation.

After watching Harry Potter 7.5, nerding up the theater with happiness at seeing the inside of Malfoy Manor, I drew this.

My Sister Totally Gets Me

I thought nobody could love Errol Flynn's 1938 version of Robin Hood like I do.

My Sister's Cats

One of them is on your head at all times. I dunno why, but she likes it up there. I love those little poop bombs.

I watched them while she went to some fantastical school trip thing because she's the smart sister.

What Not To Say- Lessons With My Best Friend

Once upon a time, my bestest friend and I went to see our school's production of 'Romeo and Juliet'. I was right in the horrible middle of my first ever break-up. Having been dumped, my life was pretty much over, but I humored my friends with these outings.

And so we have Lessons with Karis:

It didn't take me long to find fault with the male lead. He was flopping around the stage in anguish like a giant weepy gelatin.

I thought I'd share this with my bestest friend and we'd laugh together and she'd say "Yes! Who needs men! They all act like that at our age anyway! Let's go eat ice cream and watch silly girl movies after this silly play until you feel better and we can skip away across rainbows!"

I was wrong.

It was silly. But there it was. In about .02 seconds I had relived all of the high drama of a fifteen year old's lovelife and started blubbering like the idiot Romeo on stage.

When the play was over we left, making no eye contact with the people who definitely were disturbed by Romeo's mimic.

What someone should really tell every fifteen year old girl about breakups is that they are going to regret their resulting behavior forever if they don't settle the kettle.

Thief

I do this, or something like this, just about every night. Sometimes I don't even leave him a pillow -.-

Long, Hard Days Make Me Look Like A Crazy Person.

Sometimes I get home looking like Jesse in Toy Story 3 after the daycare kids get her, but it's okay because I finally get to do something that I like. I like practicing the mandolin.

BUT THEN

...The madness sets in.

And because I bottle up all of my freaking out until I unleash a maelstrom on something stupid, fixing the problem doesn't really 'fix the problem.'